When I was in Japan I used to ...
I used to have quiet moments. I used to sit on the bus or on the train and think. I'd think to myself about all sorts of things: past, present, future. I'd think about what I was experiencing and how it was shaping me. I used to think to myself a lot, because I was by myself.
Now, my quiet moments are few and far between. I'm not alone anymore. I'm surrounded by family, friends, co-workers, and native English speakers. I spend my time differently.
I used to take pictures. I wanted to capture the scenes around me. Everything I was seeing was temporary. I wanted pictures to remember what it was like to live in Japan. I used to take pictures because I knew that I'd one day be nostalgic for the life that I was living there.
Now, I forget to take pictures or purposely choose not to. I'm so distracted by what's happening around me that I forget to snap a picture. And then, if I do take a picture I don't know where to put it or what to do with it. Taking pictures in Japan was easy because they were for me and my blog, but now, I don't know what to do with them.
I used to read signs in Japanese and English. I used to use Google translate to complete daily tasks: commuting, grocery shopping, going to the gym ... etc. I used to think and process every single thing that was going on around me.
Now though, I can understand everything and read everything around me, but it feels extremely foreign. When I look at a menu, I don't know where to start. I just see words. I have to make a conscious effort to focus. When I'm shopping, I freeze. I spend minutes staring at grocery aisles trying to decide where to begin.
I used to be independent.
Now, I'm learning to share.
I used to have a steady routine. My week days were spent working and at the gym. And my weekends were meant for Japanese conversation classes and adventures.
Now, I feel sporadic. Like I don't know where I'm going.
I used to know exactly what I was working towards and planning for.
Now, ... I'm starting to remember.
Leaving Japan was more difficult than deciding to go there in the first place. Living there is the most comfortable I've ever been. I truly loved those two years. For two years I let myself experience everything that came my way. I became less guarded and insecure. I was open and more honest than usual.
I was happy.
And I'm still happy, but it's a different kind of happy. It isn't the light hearted kind that I had. It's heavier and feels a little broken.
It's the kind of happiness that doesn't feel like it's completely mine. It feels dependent and attached. It's the kind of happiness that comes with a wake up call.
And that's what I'm doing. I'm waking up. I'm coming out of hiding. I've been stateside for 3 and half months. It seems longer though. I came back and hit the ground running.
I took in every distraction that I could .... visits to see family and friends, bridal showers, baby showers, weddings, weekend trips and a brand new job. I tried to jump straight back into everything I had been removed from for two years.
And I wish I could tell you that I was thriving, but honestly, I've been treading. I've been buying time. I've been avoiding dealing with the heartbreak of leaving Japan.
A friend of mine could see what I couldn't early on. They understood that I needed a transitional period. They knew that I needed time to re-adjust. They knew what I didn't from the beginning. They knew that I needed time to myself first.
Because the truth is, I haven't been by myself since returning. I've constantly been surrounded by family, friends, co-workers, and English speakers. It's the complete opposite of what I had in Japan - it's crowded. And if you know me, you know that large crowds make me uneasy.
So I'm re-learning what it's like to live in the US permanently. I'm not just visiting during my breaks and living out of a suitcase anymore.
I'm really, truly back.
And being back means reacquainting myself with things I never used to think twice about, like ... grocery shopping, clothes shopping, online banking, watching TV, ordering at restaurants, driving, and tipping, ... just to name a few.
Being back is different. It's difficult and terribly bittersweet, but honestly, I'm glad I'm back.
When I initially set out to write this last post, I wanted it to have a status update that included my new goals, plan of action, and my career transition. I wanted it to show that I had re-adjusted.
But if you've read this far, you know that's not the case. And as much as it disappoints me, it makes me wildly happy to admit.
The truth is: I don't know exactly where I'll be or what I'll be doing in the next year, but I do know that I'm not going to hold myself back. I'm stepping out of my own way.
So as I finally commit to being back, I'll end with this ....
Japan gave me more than I ever expected. Because of it, I have memories that will last me a lifetime, relationships that I will always cherish, and a change in perspective that will continue to shape me. I'm so thankful for my Journey through Japan, but now it's time for my next adventure.
And this is what it looks like so far ...
And I wish I could tell you that I was thriving, but honestly, I've been treading. I've been buying time. I've been avoiding dealing with the heartbreak of leaving Japan.
A friend of mine could see what I couldn't early on. They understood that I needed a transitional period. They knew that I needed time to re-adjust. They knew what I didn't from the beginning. They knew that I needed time to myself first.
Because the truth is, I haven't been by myself since returning. I've constantly been surrounded by family, friends, co-workers, and English speakers. It's the complete opposite of what I had in Japan - it's crowded. And if you know me, you know that large crowds make me uneasy.
So I'm re-learning what it's like to live in the US permanently. I'm not just visiting during my breaks and living out of a suitcase anymore.
I'm back.
I'm really, truly back.
And being back means reacquainting myself with things I never used to think twice about, like ... grocery shopping, clothes shopping, online banking, watching TV, ordering at restaurants, driving, and tipping, ... just to name a few.
Being back is different. It's difficult and terribly bittersweet, but honestly, I'm glad I'm back.
When I initially set out to write this last post, I wanted it to have a status update that included my new goals, plan of action, and my career transition. I wanted it to show that I had re-adjusted.
But if you've read this far, you know that's not the case. And as much as it disappoints me, it makes me wildly happy to admit.
The truth is: I don't know exactly where I'll be or what I'll be doing in the next year, but I do know that I'm not going to hold myself back. I'm stepping out of my own way.
So as I finally commit to being back, I'll end with this ....
Japan gave me more than I ever expected. Because of it, I have memories that will last me a lifetime, relationships that I will always cherish, and a change in perspective that will continue to shape me. I'm so thankful for my Journey through Japan, but now it's time for my next adventure.
And this is what it looks like so far ...
See you in 2020 for the Tokyo Summer Olympics!
じゃ またね！
XOXO,
M
