Today's run just may be my best run yet. I set a PR --- 10k in 59:25. I know that to most people, that's a really slow time. To me though, it's a huge accomplishment. [My goal for the Mojiko 10k was to finish in under 1 hour and I didn't. I finished in an hour and 3 minutes.]
Running has never come easy to me. I like running and I can run, I've just always been slow and uncomfortable.
I grew up playing tennis. Every time we had team workouts and group runs, guess where I was? Yep, I always seemed to finish towards the back and I hated it. But I didn't know how to fix myself. I didn't know how improve. And I never asked for help. I just accepted that running slow and uncomfortably was how I was meant to be.
And I've held that mindset up until just recently. For most of my life I've been uncomfortable in my skin. Any situation that required dressing up in a specific way panged me.
And I've held that mindset up until just recently. For most of my life I've been uncomfortable in my skin. Any situation that required dressing up in a specific way panged me.
First day of school outfits that have to look just so --- dreaded them. Dresses for gradation, awards ceremonies, sorority formals --- made me cringe. Themed party outfits, shirts that needed to be tucked in, jeans, even my tennis uniforms --- tried my best to avoid them.
But in most of my pictures you'll see me dressed in exactly what I couldn't stand.
I've spent years being uncomfortable because I didn't know how to change my feelings. Part of me didn't even know how to admit my discomfort because I thought that it was normal, something I had to learn how to live with. And for the most part, I've been living with the discomfort comfortably. I've even written how, I'm trying to become comfortable with being uncomfortable.
But there are plenty of moments and times in my life where I haven't handled it well, and those are the moments that I remember the most. They are the flashbacks that happen when I stop distracting myself. They're the moments that I'm not proud of, but that I can't deny happened.
And as my time in Japan is coming to an end, I knew that if I didn't begin to honestly address my discomfort now, I'd be letting an ideal opportunity pass. I can only handle things for so long. Inevitably, I'd have to face my discomfort at some point. So I decided to stop being afraid, procrastinating, and making excuses for my myself. It was, and is, time for me to get real honest.
I've spent years being uncomfortable because I didn't know how to change my feelings. Part of me didn't even know how to admit my discomfort because I thought that it was normal, something I had to learn how to live with. And for the most part, I've been living with the discomfort comfortably. I've even written how, I'm trying to become comfortable with being uncomfortable.
But there are plenty of moments and times in my life where I haven't handled it well, and those are the moments that I remember the most. They are the flashbacks that happen when I stop distracting myself. They're the moments that I'm not proud of, but that I can't deny happened.
And as my time in Japan is coming to an end, I knew that if I didn't begin to honestly address my discomfort now, I'd be letting an ideal opportunity pass. I can only handle things for so long. Inevitably, I'd have to face my discomfort at some point. So I decided to stop being afraid, procrastinating, and making excuses for my myself. It was, and is, time for me to get real honest.
So over the winter holiday I began to question myself. I started to ask the tough questions, the questions I've been good at avoiding.
I kept asking myself "Why?", until I got to the honest answers. I did this over and over again with different aspects of my life: well being, health, passions/dreams, ... etc. And I'm going to continue to do it. There's still so much more I want to figure out.
By asking "Why?", and examining areas of myself that I usually write off as, "It is what it is", I'm giving myself the opportunity to change. I'm giving myself the chance to find comfort in myself.
And tonight I experienced my first recorded success. I showed myself that my weaknesses can be improved upon. By no means am I where I want to be as a runner, but now I can see myself getting there. I believe in myself to make the changes, not only with running, but with every other aspect of my life.
Running is just the beginning.
After my run, I walked to Starbucks and ordered a tall soy caramel macchiato. I sat outside on the patio and began writing this blog post. Everything started to spill out of me. The last thought I was left with was this . . .
Maybe when you do the things you actually want to, life is easy. It's when you try or force yourself to do the things you think you should be doing that makes life hard.I'll be processing this thought for a while. I've got to decide how I feel about it.
XOXO,
M
